Tell me. . .

Such a thing has never happened to me before… only a few past experiences may help me troubleshoot a bit of it. But this kind of scenario is a stranger to me; something I did not expect can happen to me… Just like a bottle of ice cold beer, it gave me temporary high. But after sobering up, I would think, I don’t want to take another one….

But among all the things that happened, one thing got me stranded. I had a taste of a SHORT LIVED victory that was after all A LIE… A crown I thought was mine, but isn’t.  

I thought it was for real. But it wasn’t… I was after all just a DRY RUN… I was just a tool to test the waters… If I was conquered, then the REAL one can… 

This is a one sided deal… I gave and lost more than what I deserve in return. Or rather, I never even received anything out of it at all…

So stupid of me… after all this time, I was just USED…

What pains me, I get to see “it” EVERY DAY…. 

Now tell me…. How can I Move on???

Awkward confession #1

I like the idea of receiving a bouquet :3

the void

depression... and i want this to stop... you can tell its all in the mind. i have been telling that to myself my whole life... i always assumed its just being selfish or wanting attention so as to say i'm still in the bracket of the norms... but i'm already at this age and i still have this... i must not complain. i have the best family, great friends, yet there is still emptiness... still stuck in this void... this is a never ending blindness... can anyone tell to this person the way out?

Another depression cycle

"Again " dying inside ...
"Again" anhedonia ...
"Again" fear of a roadless , fruitless future
"Again" envy those courageous enough to honestly drop this med school shit...

This is an endless cycle . . .

My opinion about my group: erratum

I was mistaken... I admit I was under the blues while typing my previous blog. Hormonal imbalance even added insult to injury ... I am a shallow close minded creature that stayed inside the box not even having a courage to take a peak.. But at least my angel forced me through , and was surprised on what I found outside the box.. I was mistaken . My sgd groupmates are something more than what you see the superficially ... Most of them may have a strong personality , but it made them who they are in a good way... And some of them I are sooo cute :3 ,. I find entertainment in just listening to their conversations and stories of  adventures, . There is even one that became my best friend :)....
But it never made our group perfect... One of the person I consider really nice and true even from the start of 3rd year left... At that time I felt betrayed... Hey marketing, how dare you leave before me, that was my idea first ....
And the question , is the idea of leaving still there? Yeah, can't deny ... But opening up to other people , starting with my groupmates, made me forget a bit of that deem idea....

My relationship with my groupmates isn't really that perfect yet. But this is a good start... And right now , I discovered new friends with the same wavelength as mine (Will talk about it someday)...



P.s. We had a really great group Xmas party ! Lol

Depression diary 1

That feeling of not belonging or fitting in to a group... My 3rd year group was something like that... I am the alien in the group... I tried hard to fit in, but it didnt feel right... I may be delusional ,but I can sense the don't like me... Well, the feeling is mutual.... I can feel their wrath yesterday,. What's worse, a lot of bad thing happened that day... Some of my friends like my groupmates and would tell the tales of how fun and easy to talk they are. But to me it's one BIG task to make a NORMAL conversation .. I am always the " Conversation Ender " when they all talk about something and then I would TRY to comment or join in.... This is like high school all over again, full of bully pretty girls and jock boys....

I would understand if they won't get what I mean and accuse me of being a psycho path drama queen... Coz NORMAL people would never understand the complexity of a "Real" depression

I'm slowly drowning ,. I'm losing it already.. And what's worse, I have no one and nowhere to run to...

 I've been thinking and thinking if I really did choose the Right thing... The truth is, I hated the path I chose, even from the start,.

I'm like a god of hypocrisy, trying so hard to love what I'm doing... What even annoys me is that even how much I hate my path, I still do my best and get carried away with the challenges and competition,. But still, because it is Obviously not for me, even how much I try, the result still won't suffice...

Every angle I look, everything seems to be a betrayal. My only consolation is just to finish what I've started and then start a new and follow my dreams once I get reincarnated.. Unfortunately in my religion, there is no such thing as reincarnation..

 I'm losing my mental strength.. I have no more interest in anything, even with the things I love to do....I don't know,.

But in the end, only I can redeem myself ,no one else.... But I don't know how ,where, when to start moving...I have no idea...

 I know, this is very humiliating... But I think I'm desperately in need of help... Please.... Help me....