Another depression cycle

"Again " dying inside ...
"Again" anhedonia ...
"Again" fear of a roadless , fruitless future
"Again" envy those courageous enough to honestly drop this med school shit...

This is an endless cycle . . .

My opinion about my group: erratum

I was mistaken... I admit I was under the blues while typing my previous blog. Hormonal imbalance even added insult to injury ... I am a shallow close minded creature that stayed inside the box not even having a courage to take a peak.. But at least my angel forced me through , and was surprised on what I found outside the box.. I was mistaken . My sgd groupmates are something more than what you see the superficially ... Most of them may have a strong personality , but it made them who they are in a good way... And some of them I are sooo cute :3 ,. I find entertainment in just listening to their conversations and stories of  adventures, . There is even one that became my best friend :)....
But it never made our group perfect... One of the person I consider really nice and true even from the start of 3rd year left... At that time I felt betrayed... Hey marketing, how dare you leave before me, that was my idea first ....
And the question , is the idea of leaving still there? Yeah, can't deny ... But opening up to other people , starting with my groupmates, made me forget a bit of that deem idea....

My relationship with my groupmates isn't really that perfect yet. But this is a good start... And right now , I discovered new friends with the same wavelength as mine (Will talk about it someday)...



P.s. We had a really great group Xmas party ! Lol

Depression diary 1

That feeling of not belonging or fitting in to a group... My 3rd year group was something like that... I am the alien in the group... I tried hard to fit in, but it didnt feel right... I may be delusional ,but I can sense the don't like me... Well, the feeling is mutual.... I can feel their wrath yesterday,. What's worse, a lot of bad thing happened that day... Some of my friends like my groupmates and would tell the tales of how fun and easy to talk they are. But to me it's one BIG task to make a NORMAL conversation .. I am always the " Conversation Ender " when they all talk about something and then I would TRY to comment or join in.... This is like high school all over again, full of bully pretty girls and jock boys....

I would understand if they won't get what I mean and accuse me of being a psycho path drama queen... Coz NORMAL people would never understand the complexity of a "Real" depression

I'm slowly drowning ,. I'm losing it already.. And what's worse, I have no one and nowhere to run to...

 I've been thinking and thinking if I really did choose the Right thing... The truth is, I hated the path I chose, even from the start,.

I'm like a god of hypocrisy, trying so hard to love what I'm doing... What even annoys me is that even how much I hate my path, I still do my best and get carried away with the challenges and competition,. But still, because it is Obviously not for me, even how much I try, the result still won't suffice...

Every angle I look, everything seems to be a betrayal. My only consolation is just to finish what I've started and then start a new and follow my dreams once I get reincarnated.. Unfortunately in my religion, there is no such thing as reincarnation..

 I'm losing my mental strength.. I have no more interest in anything, even with the things I love to do....I don't know,.

But in the end, only I can redeem myself ,no one else.... But I don't know how ,where, when to start moving...I have no idea...

 I know, this is very humiliating... But I think I'm desperately in need of help... Please.... Help me....

GRP 1 Level 1 CDUCM: CHINESE FAMILY

*Group 1 Level 1 Chinese Family 1st Semester S.Y. 2012-2013*

 

I Never expected med school is this fun! (even if I'm not so active in the extracurricular area like the others)... though I admit there are a LOT of hard times... but it is all worth it :D... And I have with me THE BEST LEVEL 1 GROUP EVER :) :)...



Awww whats with that pa cute face oakman? lol

 
 Papa God really granted my prayer that He will put me in a really amazing group...

oakman! the trollface man! lol, and si vince naay secreto sa iyang tiil ani :P

cute girls with the cute and loving Doc hamoy :)

we are soooo well rounded because we have 2Medtech, 2Pharma, 2Psych, 2Bio, 3nursing :P... amazing combination (but im a bit disappointed coz there is no PT or OT )...

We have this wierd thing going on every SGD (small group discussion)... We all have amazing ideas and we are all so eager to share it to the extent we all overlap in talking. That is why doc Ybanez called us a CHINESE Family :P ....




..and yeah we are now (tentatively) known as the
CHINESE FAMILY :p

The biggest 22nd bday surprise

LOOOL Stress face! ;P

I am right now blogging even if I'm busy... I can't help it coz I was sooooo overwhelmed by what my sgd groupmates did for my bday!... I kept my bday a secret to them.... I thought it was flawless and no one will ever know it is my bday.

The day started really well. No body noticed. In my mind I thought, "great! Yehey nobody knew :), I'm definitely gonna have a peaceful/busy(schoolwork) day :D.... Then after our sgd,..... BAMMMM ! Surprise!!!

I was really really surprised! I never expected it ! Not a single percent!
Guys! Karen, montxu, Ana , Vince , Jelai, Ever, Kenneth, oak, Brent , Airene, angel .... Thank you!!!

Goodbye... My Halcyon Days...*

...Tomorrow is the start of a new beginning... Such a cliche , but very true...


...Tomorrow is the first day of my class as a new medical student...
and I honestly don't know what to expect.
I am not really used to new environment because of the fact that
I only experienced transferring school once before ( now would be the second). 
But nahh, come what may ....I know I can handle it tomorrow... 
I am no longer a kid who cries when daddy leaves me behind ...




...Tomorrow is the end.... No beginnings will arise without an end ... 
Therefore tomorrow is the end of the calm and the beginning of the uncertain...


... I may have Consummed properly ( or wasted probably ) my days of soliloquy, 
but there has to be a stop of everything...


...the peaceful waves can never last... Hence, this voyage to Neverland shall conclude 
and take its detour to a new age...


... Indeed, it has been a great ride. But it shall all end into sweet memories....


...So for now I shall tell you my Goodbye...




                           .... Goodbye to you....
                                            My Halcyon Days . . .